A Letter to My Younger Self

My Dearest Self,

I know things are tough right now. You’ve somehow lost yourself inside a recurring nightmare. And you have no idea what the future has in store for you – not that you’ve given it much thought. But the time will come.

Right now, you look at yourself in the mirror – only to see an endless list of imperfections. You’ve managed to starve yourself down to a mere eighty-six pounds, but you’re still not happy. Nothing or no one can convince you that you’re destroying yourself.

I wish I could tell you that the pain will be gone soon. Unfortunately, it’s going take a few more years before you find your way – but you do get there. So have faith in yourself and the future.

Because eventually, you do find the strength and courage to overcome your eating disorder. The road to recovery wasn’t easy. But you did it.

And then, at the age of twenty-one, you begin the next chapter in your life – you start university! I know it seems like aย  pipe dream right now. So on the first day of classes, no one will be more amazed than you.

Life will also bless you with two beautiful daughters. They’re doing great by the way. You’re going to be so proud of them!

Life will also bless you with a husband who still makes you feel special. You’ve been together for almost fifteen years now. Although it doesn’t feel that long.

Your favorite bands are still AC/DC and Pink Floyd. I guess some things don’t change – which reminds me. Along the way, you’ll forget how much you love to write. But never fear, my dearest self. You’re going to remember one day, and end up publishing a book. I know, I’m just as surprised as you by that one. Go figure!

It was a lot of work, and took countless hours to get there – including all the hurdles. But in the end it was worth the effort. It also represents your next giant leap of faith. You’ll have a few of those before now. I’m very grateful to say that each leap was successful.

At some point, you do learn to trust yourself. And you learn to love yourself – although that takes a little longer. Your inner critic finally stopped shouting long enough to hear you. She still likes to hang out, but she’s a lot quieter these days – you’ll see.

Well, I have to go now. You’re pretty busy these days. There’s always something that needs doing.

With all my love,

Your (somewhat) older self

P.S. All those years in university were definitely worth it. You became a teacher!

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I’ve always treated my eating disorder as a teenager like a dirty secret. A few years ago, I wrote a poem inspired by my struggle with anorexia. Although when I originally shared the poem, I wouldn’t admit that it was actually based on my own experience. I finally edited the poem, let go the shame – and ended up including it in my first poetry book.

And just in case you might be interested,ย Finding Their Way Homeย is now available on goodreads. ๐Ÿ™‚ I’m currently updating the Kindle edition to see if I can fix how the preview looks. However, the actual book looks as formatted.

Until next time, be kind to yourself.

You may also like...

16 Responses

  1. Miriam says:

    You have such a beautiful way with words. And itโ€™s such a creative outlet in which to heal the past. I know well the effects of anorexia having lost my best friend to this years ago. So glad to hear youโ€™re moving forward. Thank you for sharing with us. I wish you all the very best. Hugs โค๏ธ

    • CyberneticBlonde says:

      Thank you for such kind words, Miriam. It was a long battle that took years for me to win. Then I had a relapse in my thirties. I was going through a really tough time and money was tight. So I decided to save money by eating as little as possible. Once things improved, the pattern had been set. It took me another while to break the pattern. What’s important is that I did. I learned that eating disorders can affect people of all ages. I never shared my struggle with anyone in fear of being judged. But I think it’s important for anyone who suffers, or has suffered a mental illness, to be open and honest about it. We need to break the stigmas attached to mental illness. And the most effective means of doing so is to break the silence.

      Wishing you all the best. Hugs. ๐Ÿ™‚

      • Miriam says:

        I do admire you Brenda and I think itโ€™s wonderful that youโ€™ve spoken out. Itโ€™s much too important (and prevalent) an issue not to discuss openly. So happy to hear that youโ€™ve conquered it and I truly wish you all the best for continued good health and happiness. xo ๐Ÿ™‚

        • CyberneticBlonde says:

          Thank you, Miriam. Your comments are always so kind and supportive. Wishing you a wonderful week ahead. ((Hugs)) ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Rajat Malik says:

    It’s beautiful. As Steve Jobs once said,” You cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only connect them looking backwards”. Of course he is right. And the way you’ve written it down is amazing. Often we found ourselves doubting ourselves without knowing what lies ahead. Thanks for this post. ๐Ÿ™‚

    • CyberneticBlonde says:

      Thank you so much for your beautiful comment, Rajat. ๐Ÿ™‚ We have no way of seeing what lies ahead, and that can be scary at times. Sometimes, all we can do is take a leap of faith and see where it leads us. And sometimes it may not work out, but at least we end up further than where we started.

  3. A heartfelt, honest and moving letter to yourself. Thank you for sharing, I feel blessed to have read about your journey.

    • CyberneticBlonde says:

      Thank you so much for reading, Lorraine! I’m honored by your beautiful words.:) I’ve decided that if I’m going to continue writing, it has to be honest. I’m done hiding behind the words. Wishing you a wonderful weekend ahead!

  4. Brava, dear lady. You won the battle, and can now share the victory. Thank you for sharing it with us!! โค๏ธ

  5. Great post! I’m glad your struggle with an eating disorder is behind you.

    • CyberneticBlonde says:

      Thank you so much, Jennifer. ๐Ÿ™‚ And me too. It was a long fight, but it taught me compassion for others who struggle mental illness.

  6. Congratulations! I’ve always enjoyed reading your words & I’m glad to see you pop up on my feed…I love the idea of writing a letter to our younger selves…it’s a beautiful memoir of all that we’ve experienced or done over the years!

    • CyberneticBlonde says:

      Thank you so much, Kim! I’m still trying to fix how the preview looks. My husband told me I’d be grey by the time I’m done. I’m beginning to think he may right haha ๐Ÿ™‚

  7. Peter Klopp says:

    Writing a letter to your younger self is a very creative vehicle to reveal the struggles you had in the past with this terrible disease called anorexia. A story of deep reflection on the importance of fulfillment of one’s dreams through victory over one’s weaknesses!

    • CyberneticBlonde says:

      Thank you so much, Peter! Our dreams give us strength and hope. I’m very grateful for the life I now have. Through our struggles, we learn to appreciate what we have. Wishing you a wonderful Sunday! ๐Ÿ™‚

Your beautiful words always give me reason to smile.

Follow

Get the latest posts delivered to your mailbox:

%d bloggers like this: